a very long letter for she who i miss

this, the above things, are my unspoken words for you. yes you. a you that i've spend much of my blog post for. a you that cause a whole new world for me. for my heart. for the view that im seeing through this eyes. towards love. yes love. thousand times would i like to shout it out. about love.

before, i made a dua. to understand what loves is. you know, my life previously, was only me. everything was only me. from the main character. to the last worker. it was me. theres none others in my dictionary. dont ask me why. because i wouldnt want to blame my past history pages that i drew back days. still, those are the chapters that shape me towards who i am today.

still. alhamdulillah. i say the dua. i ask Allah, to find me a friend. a lifepartner. you know how silly a girl can be. that  was what being portrayed in the life common life scenario. source of human love. its just family, and a life partner. and thats the day i was hoping for that. i was saying that in my dua. and you know what.He never appear. i found of many people in the middle. i thought it was you. i even wrote a diary, to share all the experience.. i was walking all the way. and i notice none. no boys. or gentleman ever made me understand hat loves is. because the love that i was searching for is different. maybe also because of time. that it still didnt suits me and my age.maturity.

but i still need to know what loves is. what it is to care for someone. what it is to sacrifice. im tired of me being me every single things. im ready to give. but none i found, that makes me to give all hearted. because it didnt came with love.can i say that?

the other side, you was saying the same prayers. u were hoping .. to go through all the sadness and dark. a hug. a hand. a smile. someone to mend the broken pieces. and those faith u put in Allah. about the dua. how can i know this? the letter that u wrote.

and i think Allah grant us in the very best way. it happen last semester. do you remember?

it was exam. and i was so empty. frustrated. and suddenly. it was just a sudden. i dont know from where. the momment i saw. i feel. and it knocked my heart.  i will never able to explain it even to you. how much i care and love you. all of sudden.

never in my life.thinking about someone first more than myself. more than my studies which is everything before. never in my life. to hug and saying those things sincerely. never in my life to cry and care so much about a person. but it all change for you. did you saw that? i dont know what happen to me. it just that i wanna give you everything that i have eventhough it means that i will loose something in my life. nothing more precious than having a friend like you. did you realise it? tak pernah begitu tersiksa hidup seperti merindui anda sewaktu anda terlalu jauh dari saya. perhaps you never notice it at first because u did mention it to me. but i was the one who start to realise it. im the one who being touchered. everyday. sehingga sampai satu hari, i just wanna take you out from my life. sbb penangan the word love is so great that somethimes you justs didnt think about yourself even a minute. subhanallah. Allah, i know this is love. this is the love that i was hoping and praying for. the feel that i want to experience. and to understand it. indeed i do. it  wasnt from a guy. its from a friend, girl. sebab Allah tahu dan maha kuasa. i wouldn't have the strength if it wasnt her.

ana tak tahu nak cakap mcm mana. but i care for you so much. whenever i say ...as always. it really mean. i hope this will not scared you. i know sometimes it sound as if im someone obsessed. but im not. it just that im happy to be with you. i keep on asking Allah, why of all people. it was you. we didnt share the common things. he didnt even put us in the same boat. sakit sangat anti. but insyaAllah mesti ada hikmah. im just hoping that you will let me care for you. to love. i just want you to know that whenever ur feel low, im here all the time. to listen and help. im happy when u want to share. talk. because it means that i can give.

ana berani ckp. ana tak pernah mintak it was you. i just randomly pray. and i dont know why it was you. when u said ur about to hilang. i was os sad. because it mean that i need to stop from giving. but i know theres still a duty for you. that ill keep on . thanks so much for letting me in. to mend something inside. eenthough i didnt solve it. at least you know that ur not alon. that good enough.

till today, i believe, Allah is answering the prayer for both of us. because we meet before. we talked before. but both of us were in different world. i never care or thought bout you. u were never in the list. just as a passerby.

so short of time so limited of second. soon, we will really be leaving each other. of me in here. of you out there. i dont now how the day will come. i hpe this last momment that we have. at least, we can both make the best pictures together. that soon, it will remain forever. because im afraid, this feeling that Allah gave,,,sementara cuma. ada hari tarikh, it will vanish. the day that we will be like before. but both of us did get what we want. the lesson. the moment. perfect

till we meet again.
\

an thats the answer

Allahuakbar, rasenye mcm baru je tadi menulis.
because im bad in rephrasing so i just quote. i know this person is talking about her long longing for a husband. which not in my case. but still, ada ibrah yang Allah mahu saya sedar.

if Allah were to give to you one thing, Which one would you choose?"
She opened up the palm of her right hand and said,
"Heaven"
Then she opened up the palm of her left hand, and said,
"A husband"

I was at a standstill.

No words came out of my mouth.
And tears quickly flowed down my cheeks.
And I said immediately, "Heaven ya Allah. Your Heaven."
Dr. Peeds tapped my hands with her two hands and I understood what she meant.

All this while I was looking for a man and have been maintaining that I was doing it for the sake of Allah. Yes I haven't cross any unlawful boundaries. But my persistence and frustrations and feelings about it have shown that I have strayed from my initial target, which is Allah himself. I have been so obsessed on the "man", that Allah, the one who's actually making the man appear or not, is lost in my obsession. Yes I am making the effort that every muslim should make to get what they want. And that Allah as He says in the Qur'an will reward only those who makes the effort. But results have shown that with all the efforts that I have made and all the outcomes that Allah had made happened..., I haven't really been all that accepting have I? I haven't been accepting Allah's decrees. I haven't been accepting Allah's flow of life for me. I basically have just been sulking all these time, haven't I?


so thats was me. being sulking all this while..
sekiranya benar niat kita kerana Allah, pasti akan diberi kemudahan. walaupun dengan kesusahan. kerana bagi setiap kesusahan ada kemudahan. Allahuakbar,,,

from now on, focus your strengh and intention just for Allah. reclaim your heart sakinah. insyaAllah everything will be fine. benda yang hilang tu bukan awak punye. kalau awak punye pown, biarkan Allah yang menyimpannya. bukan semua benda perlu ada dalam pandangan awak. saya halalkan apa yang hilang. kerana semua tu pinjaman Allah. saya hanya menjaga. bila awak hilang, saya mencari bagai nak gila. saya lupa, awak pun Allah yang punya. kalau Allah mahu, sudah tentu disampaikan pada saya. tapi awak hilang di tengah jalan. 

Allah, perkara ini boleh saya lepaskan. ada perkara yang saya belum cukup kua untuk lepaskan. semoga setiap ujian itu yang mampu saya tanggung.

Allahuakbar
Alhamdulillah

sehingga bertemu, sekiranya bukan disini, didaerah yang lebih indah dan abadi. bila? bila-bila :)

Finally, i let it go

scrolling,frustration, sadness, hoping for the whole month. i think May was the month.

After all those tears and unspoken crave.after all those soundless music, tear-less cry

i decided, THATS IT

this is the last point ill go. im returning back and walking to the path which i left last April. i've send an eagle to fly for me. if that give me a reply, then ill proceed with the plan. if not. that's it. 

im no longer going to put any effort.

InsyaAllah, this is the best for me and future. i just think as if that wasn't mine and i didn't even used to have it. it was just didn't mend for me. the things that i threw. the disappointment was just because it appear during my exam week that cause me not-to-book. I can only get back 4 days before exam day which is a disaster for a medic student.i mean for me.

and i was struggling like a corpse.huh?

penatt oiii!! dah lah sem tu mcm..... 

anyway Alhamdulillah, someone was there all the time with me. and u know how much i hate to walk alone. though i didn't mention this to many. a person is enough. thanks ;)  

if truly it was mend for you, no matter how hard you try to run from it, it yours. and it will return to you no matter what.i believe this.i keep on saying this to many . how come it didn't work for me. it must work. insyaAllah

did u ever saw a women by the cliff

she jump

people think shes dead,

but then u saw a hand gasping for a help

it was the women who jump

and no one ever realize it

but do you know how can i know and retold you this?

someone told me

it was a person that belief.

A person

all it takes is a person

the one who put faith that the women wouldn't want to die

a small friend that belief there's hope, and tomorrow for her.

she decided to stay

and she was the one holding her hand

pulling her up

wipe all the dirt

and today, stand still that women on most stage

theres aww and claps everywhere

but who knows..

thats small friend was the the one behind the chapters in her next page

for those...for me

i thank Allah for sending me all those fairies

yeah all the fairies.

Only Allah knows how much i treasure each and everyone of you

the one who struggle when i layback

the one who awake when i asleep

the one who pray when i curse

syukran jazilan :)

kayuhan kaki siapa

tanyakan hatimu, pada siapa ia berteduh.
tanyakan hatimu, pada apa ia kukuh
tanyakan hatimu

diam. senyap.sunyi

dia punya jawapan. telah terllu lama rasanya. sakit.penat. berteduh bukan pada tempatnya, maka kau lihat pelbagai lubang kecewa. ditampal dengan pengharapan, sekali lgi ia punah. mungkin sekali, atau kedua kalinya mampu buat kita rasa bahagia. namun sampai bila?

berteduhlah pada yang kekal. pada sumber rasa kasih. pada yang menjadikan. pada yang memberi tanpa meminta. pada yang menghargai. pada yang setia menunggu. pada yang tidak jemu melihat dan mendengar. setiap keluhamu.

bukan mudah. aku tahu. namun,,,sampai bila kayuhan kakimu mampu menwmbawamu kepada yang tidak kekal. sampai bila kudrat tubuhmu mampu menawan cantiknya ajaib dunia. sampai bilakah umurmu milikmu?

buat diri, masa ini terlalu panjang untuk kau mengenali susur galur yang layak menerima. masa ini terlalu banyak untuk merancang syurga nerakamu.
please make me strong. do break this attachment!

walking on line

of love. we spend thousand hours with them, but yet it feels less than a minute second.

we walk thousand miles away, but my heart sees you just in front. my legs never hurts that limits my kilometer. but yet the nature shortens it..

of love, the heart and pain, the tears and smile, the lesson and wise.

of love, the teacher of the whole life

of doing in making

every wall and chain guards your sight.

May Allah protect you always.Guiding you towards the light. helping your feet to stand still on line. nourish your heart with love and care. building you up a new human.

 which i hope you wouldn't drag me this far.

bring me back...

Assalamualaikum,
of things that never ever i hope to happen.  of standing on this land back. on tears that i burst at the first sight. and the love that i left behind. i was jumping from trees to trees and hoping to gasp for the loss one. if i could define it. is it lost or not even there? gosh, of jumping and miss. this feeling which i could trade it with anything just to get rid out of it. it hurts and a burden on me. really a burden. why do people stay? why do people love? why do people interact?

you know for those words that i spit out. i knew the answer but still its to hard to be explained and to be understood at least for me. just pray for the best. just pray for the heaven where i wish to stop walking.
Anyhow, alhamdulillah, for being here and also there. the land of love and the land of mission. ill never understand the condition of my heart. how serious and critical it was and is. but i know its deteriorate condition. im sick. im loss. im in a maze which i wall myself

please, give me back my life and heart, whoever you. bring me back what once was mine.