i did it again :(

i'swear i'll never do it again

and...

yesterday i did it again.

and the worst part is, it was on Friday

the day that i will struggle with my Al-kahfi and selawat

but yet, i did it

 how i can forgot all the promise that i've made once i step into 20.ok i know i haven't but this is the year. my, i dont know what feeling should i put in. i started to hate my self. dh ntah berape kali set such promise. then masa tgh duduk di satu penjuru dunia, the inner voice in me said, never give up!"Rahmat Allah tu kan luas.kadang2 aku rasa sangat1000x berdosa sampai nak mintak any doa from Allah pown malu. ntah apa lah aku pada pandanganNya. i'll fell more dejected whenever i see any islamic scholar. its like " duh!,,,theres much more people in this world that obey Allah with all their heart. putting you aside is not a problem.

Allah,,dia je tahu betapa hancurnye hati when someone said that to me. i never been to any love with anyone. not in term of 2 ways of love. you get me?!.. so i wouldnt have  know what love is. is to love Allah is different?.

someone said something about love for Rasulullah. he said that it very hard but he respect him anyway. and i get so emotional then. duhh, so typical of me.

i would like to sign any agreement of duty. to keep promise between my self of not committing any of it anymore but until when??..

i always hope for the best companion that able to help me searching for Allah in every minute in my one and only life chance. a friend that would help me in picturing Allah every second. to make DEEN as a reality and not a pull story fantasy.

A friend 

a companion 

a lifetime roommate 

a husband

but if i continued this way, how can i hope for one?