i promise not to talk this to anyone.

suddenly my tears drop so fast and i dont know why. i felt something inside that call me just to cry. helplessly. because i didn't know whats the matter around. because a hug means so much and i long for one. didnt anyone notie it? how hard i keep u guys in my hug. didnt anyone realise it?
 u know, a telephone call could not pay  this.

im sad
for no specific reason..

Assalamualaikum hati

its been almost 2 weeks now. from yesterday me to a today me.

seriously, i  shouldn't be in any shoes that lies right in front. but who knows. despite the mud that i've been wallowing day and night. but i don't know either this is a gift or a bomb that will blast me off at the end of day. anyway, i just like the sanity of those weeks. and the people around. some starts to uncover their off-stage petals. 

owh Allah,

*silentprayes*

been ravenclawed

being in split

being inside and out

running in a wet gown

it drag and slows the steps

she fell, crawl towards the door

she saw another window

and then came a hunter. pulling her leg

breaks her ankle

she shouts

and all of sudden the hue swirl in a deep dark globe

lost

now what left?

she cried for the day event

not for the bereavement

she knows it will knock tomorrow. 

unless breath envy her next second

now what?

dearest beloved bella, for your tears, is so priceless. why would u invest for the sadness episode. 

Ana x kesah pown ape yg jadi. But im sad the way u put me behind. Just becuase u said ur busy with dnt. And happens to be ana bukanlah geng dnt anti. Kalau mcm tu baik takpayah kenal dnt. Kan? Sbb dulu, kita boleh share hal2 ni same2. Without any hard feelings. KitE boleh share kite penat berkerja tanpa perlu cover2 pown. Boleh sedih and gembira sama2. But then y did this dnt takin you apart from me. Did i do the same thin to you before?. U saidso manysweet worda before. And i askedyou to stop. Because i predict this day. U didnt mean all those words kan?. U just say it.kan?

Ana teringin nak cerite. Mcm dulu2. But i know u have someone else. U have all sorts of bigsister to help you out. Sapelah kite ni kan. Wuwuw sadisnye ayat. I hope that u could know this. But theres no way u will. Maybe mmg salah ana jugak. Those days. But how could you. Sedih ni tau. Sampai hati korang. Koranglah the only geng yg ana ade. I thought u guys treasure that. 

I like the way we were before. If u act suddenly different, then i know someone leaks this out.

paper on the grass

Subhanallah, lately ni berjalan kesana kemari. senang cerita belum ada satu hari saya duduk diam. ade je aktiviti. Alhamdulillah, saya menyukai kesibukkan sebegini daripada kekosongan yang pastinya saya isikan dengan hal-hal kelalain.  i just aren't strong enough to resist it! and know what, im improving my driving skills and i love it! coz thats mean im over one of my fear. people around have been helping me lot with making me memorize roads and stuff. say what Alhamdulillah. I've been delivering some talk which acually forcing me indirectly to do some research and books that i read super fast! which i didn't do it before. Alhamdulillah. just another thing that im still working on it. insyaAllah in this ramadhan. gonna fight it so hard!

i just wanna share a figure that ive been thinking about few days back.

 its a wall that lie the greatest inside. i was outside. i was trying to be attractive enough so that im able to pull some other human into the wall. and i stayed outside. hoping for another door to be open. there will i see Rasulullah, Abu bakar and the list goes on. theres people into the wall by me but they stick to me. and my duty is to make them feels the present of Allah just because of Allah. nothing to do with me. i'll remain a only a reason

its just that, im start to miss all my dearest friends. classmate, college mate. funny when all of them happen to be the same group of people. by Allah, i love them so much. despite who they are. whatever they were. ill never build any bricks between us. people said too much and alot. i have a agroup of people which i work with. i love them. but it wont be the same when im with them. i just hope that, they will not leave me behind. just because im somewhere else. im happy for them. if happens to be they really leaving me behind. indeed Allah, my prayers for them will never stop. and same goes to the word love. i just miss them. and i dont think that's a sin.














yesterday, while talking,i sense their hand. on mine. saying "keep moving foward" and thats cause me to continue.

being someone

being someone is being me

being in that place is somewhere

to have the position is to have the chance

to have a new perspective of life

being someone is being me

Datin Seri Nur Sakinah!

me with the dearest dayang infront of our alhambra

*okstopthelaughing*

tarik diri

keputusan saya

owh belum...pemikiran saya

tarik diri keluar. jadi badan bebas. tapi akhirnya nak kemana?

saya tak jumpa kasih dalam tu. saya nampak ramai pentingkan diri sendiri.sayapown.

belum mampu nak bazikan masa itu kesana

 kenapa manusia tidak tertarik? apa masalahnya? setakat ini tak pernah salah lagi apa yang saya dengar. tapi...

itu kelemahannya yang saya rasa. tapi takde tindakkan ke?

saya nak cakap dengan siapa? dia pown bawak diri

lagi sorang family first

saya?

serius saya nak keluar

jadi badan bebas

saya nak masa saya sendiri

saya nak tolong

saya tak mahu jadi apa-apa

tapi saya ade pemikiran saya

ok now apa yang saya nak sebenarnya?

i was

sincere at the moment i wrote everything.

when the sound rolls

Hailahhh,,,sapa yang nak rasa bersalah sekarang. this song keep on repeating in my head. dah lah bukan lagu tarbawi. hurm..ntah..tarbawi ke tu? ntahlah, tak taulah. sbb aku mmg cerdik bab buat alasan. boleh je lagu mileycyrus tu buat jadi lagu tarbiyah. PROVIDED! awak paham..howky but lagu ni bukanlah mileycyrus punye. 

adoi, mengeluh je tahu. bukan mengeluhlah tgh cari solusion lah ni.(see i said just now i really superjunior genius buat alasan).

aku bukan type suke lagu2 nie. teringat time hingusan+comot dulu. ya suka sangat bukak radio. aku satu hape pown tak tahu. but my sentimental value tinggiiiiii sangatttt (read :dengan harakat mcm mad arid lil sukun ea). each songs that plays, i mean the one that i remembered normally it comes with a story behind. thats why nomally paling lama pown boleh tahan dalam sebulan dua. sbb lepastu cerite tu habis. unless, im the one who creating the story. acewahhh....mcm im the actor, you the director. lalalala. basically mcm tulah. songs sounds really shapes my emotion. (obviously im an emotional person already, sound tu kasi high sikitlah). Allahuakbar, ntah sejak bile im being so-red-person. but  the green still grooming. winkwink.

ok, kisah yang terbaru ni. im trying to stay out of tv. maksudnye takmaulah tgk tv sangat. walaupun aku mmg bukan kakit v. sbb aku tak mampu bersabar dengan iklan yg panjang berjela tu. kisah tu adelah sikit2 kene ngan hidup ni. actor je lain. dng adelah plot2 yang mcm taklogic nak masuk kisah reality aku. but most of it i think bolehlah. 

i can cry, just come to think bout it. sedih dengan diri sendiri. ape ye masalah aku? ape kurang lagi dalam pentarbiyahan hidup ni? dah matikah hati? apa pasal aku mcm ni ye? ok mode sedih ON. tak, bukan apa, sedih sbb peristiwa yang berlaku tu mcm menunjukkan im still yet to step on that stand and level. after all the things i did. im yet to. kenapa org lain sekejap je? kenapa aku lambat sangat? ape yang dia buat aku tak buat? prgjfvnsdjfsmcdsmcds...tanye soalan mcm aku tahu blogspot ni nak ckp "untuk soalan 1 sila tekan papan kekunci A untuk jawapan" terkjut berok jugaklah kalau die cakap.

i dont know when i can be me. i dont want me yg skrg. me yg lebih baik lah. ke im just being super imaginative.arghhh...susahlah nak cari partner nak berbincang soal hati dan perasaan ni. aku anti sikit bab2 ni. its not because im hati keras. try mee! its just that, i need sometimes to build that trust. aku mmg banyak cakap. but try berapa ramai aku ckp pasal sapa aku suka. sapa aku admire.masalah yg bakal menjatuhkan kemachoan ku. hok hok..bukan tu lah. tapi in a way lebih kurang mcm tulah. tak menikkan iman stakat bincang sapa kita admire.

just because, i already create my own. and i only need limited anyone to enter it.

erm..ok enough of that. 

and the sounds plays..

sebuah kerugian apabila perasaan yang dikandung oleh seorang daei yang membuatkan dia terlalu sensitif hanya kepada perkara-perkara kecil sehingga menganggap perkara2 peribadi sebagai sebuah isu yang besar.
seorang daei perlu lebih laju keluar dari zon peribadi dan mula memikirkan hal umat.  salurkan perasaan mu kepada idea dan amalan-amaln membangunkan ummat dan agama.

pada peringkat ini, segala amalan peribadi telahpun berada dalam lingkungan baik menanti hanya untuk dierbaikkan lagi yang akan bergerak seiring dengan pembangunan manusia sekitar.

jadilah seekor harimau yang buas!
tahan lasak

i rarely post without reasons.

semoga Allah redha

dan beri tempat berteduh yang baru

yeay

finish checking my result just now. Allahuakbar. Alhamdulillah

here goes the stage 3 medicine

bring in on

Allahuakbar!!!

making it my way

Assalamualaikum,

its not that i want to put you aside. its just that i think we both need time. 

no no no, its me...only perhaps. 

i need time to learn and understand. 

kehidupan berjalan seperti biasa

namun salah kita mentafsir keadaan

sungguh unik dan menarik

to understand it in a very hard way.

when ur weakness became something that is so vivid and definite

u tried to flee

u thought u've make-ff so hard and fast

to keep it low 

everything was smooth and silky

like hairs

sometimes it tousled

so i comb and mend it

i thought i mend it

but it wasn't

im trying to find the old and stronger me

i know that i have no one but Allah

the one that i need to chamber all my love and trust

lock deep in

so that

even though i let it go forth

i know i have kick-off it

with 

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

someone out

i need a hand

to mend my defective heart

a chance

i think, thats the key. of experiencing a new segment of life. a chance. to show what they worth. so on. people and life. dont hook or shut the door when the lights aren't there. might be still at night. who knows. open a little bit. will i?

yes i wil?

thanks :)

a very long letter for she who i miss

this, the above things, are my unspoken words for you. yes you. a you that i've spend much of my blog post for. a you that cause a whole new world for me. for my heart. for the view that im seeing through this eyes. towards love. yes love. thousand times would i like to shout it out. about love.

before, i made a dua. to understand what loves is. you know, my life previously, was only me. everything was only me. from the main character. to the last worker. it was me. theres none others in my dictionary. dont ask me why. because i wouldnt want to blame my past history pages that i drew back days. still, those are the chapters that shape me towards who i am today.

still. alhamdulillah. i say the dua. i ask Allah, to find me a friend. a lifepartner. you know how silly a girl can be. that  was what being portrayed in the life common life scenario. source of human love. its just family, and a life partner. and thats the day i was hoping for that. i was saying that in my dua. and you know what.He never appear. i found of many people in the middle. i thought it was you. i even wrote a diary, to share all the experience.. i was walking all the way. and i notice none. no boys. or gentleman ever made me understand hat loves is. because the love that i was searching for is different. maybe also because of time. that it still didnt suits me and my age.maturity.

but i still need to know what loves is. what it is to care for someone. what it is to sacrifice. im tired of me being me every single things. im ready to give. but none i found, that makes me to give all hearted. because it didnt came with love.can i say that?

the other side, you was saying the same prayers. u were hoping .. to go through all the sadness and dark. a hug. a hand. a smile. someone to mend the broken pieces. and those faith u put in Allah. about the dua. how can i know this? the letter that u wrote.

and i think Allah grant us in the very best way. it happen last semester. do you remember?

it was exam. and i was so empty. frustrated. and suddenly. it was just a sudden. i dont know from where. the momment i saw. i feel. and it knocked my heart.  i will never able to explain it even to you. how much i care and love you. all of sudden.

never in my life.thinking about someone first more than myself. more than my studies which is everything before. never in my life. to hug and saying those things sincerely. never in my life to cry and care so much about a person. but it all change for you. did you saw that? i dont know what happen to me. it just that i wanna give you everything that i have eventhough it means that i will loose something in my life. nothing more precious than having a friend like you. did you realise it? tak pernah begitu tersiksa hidup seperti merindui anda sewaktu anda terlalu jauh dari saya. perhaps you never notice it at first because u did mention it to me. but i was the one who start to realise it. im the one who being touchered. everyday. sehingga sampai satu hari, i just wanna take you out from my life. sbb penangan the word love is so great that somethimes you justs didnt think about yourself even a minute. subhanallah. Allah, i know this is love. this is the love that i was hoping and praying for. the feel that i want to experience. and to understand it. indeed i do. it  wasnt from a guy. its from a friend, girl. sebab Allah tahu dan maha kuasa. i wouldn't have the strength if it wasnt her.

ana tak tahu nak cakap mcm mana. but i care for you so much. whenever i say ...as always. it really mean. i hope this will not scared you. i know sometimes it sound as if im someone obsessed. but im not. it just that im happy to be with you. i keep on asking Allah, why of all people. it was you. we didnt share the common things. he didnt even put us in the same boat. sakit sangat anti. but insyaAllah mesti ada hikmah. im just hoping that you will let me care for you. to love. i just want you to know that whenever ur feel low, im here all the time. to listen and help. im happy when u want to share. talk. because it means that i can give.

ana berani ckp. ana tak pernah mintak it was you. i just randomly pray. and i dont know why it was you. when u said ur about to hilang. i was os sad. because it mean that i need to stop from giving. but i know theres still a duty for you. that ill keep on . thanks so much for letting me in. to mend something inside. eenthough i didnt solve it. at least you know that ur not alon. that good enough.

till today, i believe, Allah is answering the prayer for both of us. because we meet before. we talked before. but both of us were in different world. i never care or thought bout you. u were never in the list. just as a passerby.

so short of time so limited of second. soon, we will really be leaving each other. of me in here. of you out there. i dont now how the day will come. i hpe this last momment that we have. at least, we can both make the best pictures together. that soon, it will remain forever. because im afraid, this feeling that Allah gave,,,sementara cuma. ada hari tarikh, it will vanish. the day that we will be like before. but both of us did get what we want. the lesson. the moment. perfect

till we meet again.
\

an thats the answer

Allahuakbar, rasenye mcm baru je tadi menulis.
because im bad in rephrasing so i just quote. i know this person is talking about her long longing for a husband. which not in my case. but still, ada ibrah yang Allah mahu saya sedar.

if Allah were to give to you one thing, Which one would you choose?"
She opened up the palm of her right hand and said,
"Heaven"
Then she opened up the palm of her left hand, and said,
"A husband"

I was at a standstill.

No words came out of my mouth.
And tears quickly flowed down my cheeks.
And I said immediately, "Heaven ya Allah. Your Heaven."
Dr. Peeds tapped my hands with her two hands and I understood what she meant.

All this while I was looking for a man and have been maintaining that I was doing it for the sake of Allah. Yes I haven't cross any unlawful boundaries. But my persistence and frustrations and feelings about it have shown that I have strayed from my initial target, which is Allah himself. I have been so obsessed on the "man", that Allah, the one who's actually making the man appear or not, is lost in my obsession. Yes I am making the effort that every muslim should make to get what they want. And that Allah as He says in the Qur'an will reward only those who makes the effort. But results have shown that with all the efforts that I have made and all the outcomes that Allah had made happened..., I haven't really been all that accepting have I? I haven't been accepting Allah's decrees. I haven't been accepting Allah's flow of life for me. I basically have just been sulking all these time, haven't I?


so thats was me. being sulking all this while..
sekiranya benar niat kita kerana Allah, pasti akan diberi kemudahan. walaupun dengan kesusahan. kerana bagi setiap kesusahan ada kemudahan. Allahuakbar,,,

from now on, focus your strengh and intention just for Allah. reclaim your heart sakinah. insyaAllah everything will be fine. benda yang hilang tu bukan awak punye. kalau awak punye pown, biarkan Allah yang menyimpannya. bukan semua benda perlu ada dalam pandangan awak. saya halalkan apa yang hilang. kerana semua tu pinjaman Allah. saya hanya menjaga. bila awak hilang, saya mencari bagai nak gila. saya lupa, awak pun Allah yang punya. kalau Allah mahu, sudah tentu disampaikan pada saya. tapi awak hilang di tengah jalan. 

Allah, perkara ini boleh saya lepaskan. ada perkara yang saya belum cukup kua untuk lepaskan. semoga setiap ujian itu yang mampu saya tanggung.

Allahuakbar
Alhamdulillah

sehingga bertemu, sekiranya bukan disini, didaerah yang lebih indah dan abadi. bila? bila-bila :)

Finally, i let it go

scrolling,frustration, sadness, hoping for the whole month. i think May was the month.

After all those tears and unspoken crave.after all those soundless music, tear-less cry

i decided, THATS IT

this is the last point ill go. im returning back and walking to the path which i left last April. i've send an eagle to fly for me. if that give me a reply, then ill proceed with the plan. if not. that's it. 

im no longer going to put any effort.

InsyaAllah, this is the best for me and future. i just think as if that wasn't mine and i didn't even used to have it. it was just didn't mend for me. the things that i threw. the disappointment was just because it appear during my exam week that cause me not-to-book. I can only get back 4 days before exam day which is a disaster for a medic student.i mean for me.

and i was struggling like a corpse.huh?

penatt oiii!! dah lah sem tu mcm..... 

anyway Alhamdulillah, someone was there all the time with me. and u know how much i hate to walk alone. though i didn't mention this to many. a person is enough. thanks ;)  

if truly it was mend for you, no matter how hard you try to run from it, it yours. and it will return to you no matter what.i believe this.i keep on saying this to many . how come it didn't work for me. it must work. insyaAllah

did u ever saw a women by the cliff

she jump

people think shes dead,

but then u saw a hand gasping for a help

it was the women who jump

and no one ever realize it

but do you know how can i know and retold you this?

someone told me

it was a person that belief.

A person

all it takes is a person

the one who put faith that the women wouldn't want to die

a small friend that belief there's hope, and tomorrow for her.

she decided to stay

and she was the one holding her hand

pulling her up

wipe all the dirt

and today, stand still that women on most stage

theres aww and claps everywhere

but who knows..

thats small friend was the the one behind the chapters in her next page

for those...for me

i thank Allah for sending me all those fairies

yeah all the fairies.

Only Allah knows how much i treasure each and everyone of you

the one who struggle when i layback

the one who awake when i asleep

the one who pray when i curse

syukran jazilan :)

kayuhan kaki siapa

tanyakan hatimu, pada siapa ia berteduh.
tanyakan hatimu, pada apa ia kukuh
tanyakan hatimu

diam. senyap.sunyi

dia punya jawapan. telah terllu lama rasanya. sakit.penat. berteduh bukan pada tempatnya, maka kau lihat pelbagai lubang kecewa. ditampal dengan pengharapan, sekali lgi ia punah. mungkin sekali, atau kedua kalinya mampu buat kita rasa bahagia. namun sampai bila?

berteduhlah pada yang kekal. pada sumber rasa kasih. pada yang menjadikan. pada yang memberi tanpa meminta. pada yang menghargai. pada yang setia menunggu. pada yang tidak jemu melihat dan mendengar. setiap keluhamu.

bukan mudah. aku tahu. namun,,,sampai bila kayuhan kakimu mampu menwmbawamu kepada yang tidak kekal. sampai bila kudrat tubuhmu mampu menawan cantiknya ajaib dunia. sampai bilakah umurmu milikmu?

buat diri, masa ini terlalu panjang untuk kau mengenali susur galur yang layak menerima. masa ini terlalu banyak untuk merancang syurga nerakamu.
please make me strong. do break this attachment!

walking on line

of love. we spend thousand hours with them, but yet it feels less than a minute second.

we walk thousand miles away, but my heart sees you just in front. my legs never hurts that limits my kilometer. but yet the nature shortens it..

of love, the heart and pain, the tears and smile, the lesson and wise.

of love, the teacher of the whole life

of doing in making

every wall and chain guards your sight.

May Allah protect you always.Guiding you towards the light. helping your feet to stand still on line. nourish your heart with love and care. building you up a new human.

 which i hope you wouldn't drag me this far.

bring me back...

Assalamualaikum,
of things that never ever i hope to happen.  of standing on this land back. on tears that i burst at the first sight. and the love that i left behind. i was jumping from trees to trees and hoping to gasp for the loss one. if i could define it. is it lost or not even there? gosh, of jumping and miss. this feeling which i could trade it with anything just to get rid out of it. it hurts and a burden on me. really a burden. why do people stay? why do people love? why do people interact?

you know for those words that i spit out. i knew the answer but still its to hard to be explained and to be understood at least for me. just pray for the best. just pray for the heaven where i wish to stop walking.
Anyhow, alhamdulillah, for being here and also there. the land of love and the land of mission. ill never understand the condition of my heart. how serious and critical it was and is. but i know its deteriorate condition. im sick. im loss. im in a maze which i wall myself

please, give me back my life and heart, whoever you. bring me back what once was mine.